Being an autistic person and showing you care about someone can be a nightmare. It’s then even harder when the other person may not realise we’re showing that love. As this week is Valentine’s Day, I’m going to break down five love languages autistic people use to show we care.
Language 1. Infodumping
As autistic people, we are well known for hoarding information and references to our favourite topics. This might be a TV show, a book series, a historical time period, a video game and so on. If we share what comes across as the most in depth facts with you, don’t worry. This is our way of saying “I care about you, so I wish to show that by letting you see into my world.”
What you may not realise is that this part of how an autistic brain works is also giving a boost of dopamine to both the sharer and listener as you interact with the topic. It’s giving us a chance to share the joy of talking about a topic with someone else.
Language 2: Parallel Play
Have you ever sat in the presence of someone else as you’re both doing something? This could be playing on your phone, both of you reading a book or something else. There’s no pressure here to share eye contact or interact all the time.
This time spent together side by side or in the same space is a chance to not be forced to mask or use social interactions when we may not have the energy for it. It gives us a sense of companionship and safety that we may not get otherwise in a world not made for us.
Language 3: Support Swapping
Autistic people can struggle with the every day tasks. Being able to “body double” for them can relieve some stress. Maybe they struggle with understanding some paperwork they’ve been sent so you’re able to summarise for them. Maybe they need someone to talk them through something.
This kind of love language helps to get rid of any shame they’re not good enough. Their executive function of being able to do the every day tasks may be depleted. Finding a way to help them cope and do what needs to be done helps them not feel ashamed to ask for help. We all need help with some things. Asking for help is not a bad thing.
Language 4: Deep Pressure
When we’re overwhelmed, sometimes what we need is weight. This could be a weighted blanket, a tight hug or a firm squeeze. This will really help those who struggle with dissociation in their sensory system. It means when overwhelmed they struggle to locate their body. Weight helps them to relocate.
The weight from blankets or hugs can help send calming signals to the brain. It’s their attempt to calm the fight or flight response when they’re overwhelmed. It could be emotional or sensory distress. Finding something that works is really important. If you’re not sure what works for them, ask the autistic person.
Language 5: Targeted Gifting
Have you ever been given an item an autistic person has found? They may tell you it reminded them of you. Or they give something personal that made them think of you. I have a best friend I know who loves penguins. If I spot anything with penguins on, I will get it for her as a gift.
We observe a lot more than we’re given credit for. If we find something that has something that reminds us of you, we will get it. We may spot a need you have and try to fill it. We are looking to give you joy in a way we know how.
Understanding the love language of autistic people can be hard at first. With these in mind, you may well pick up on the clues your friend or loved one may be giving you.
So, I wish you well in learning more about each other.