While many of us enjoy birthdays, they can be loaded events when you’re autistic. In today’s blog, I’m going to break down some of the reasons why with tips on how to make them easier to manage.
1. Reaction Expectation
We’ve all been there. We’re expecting a certain present. We get really excited. And what do we find? Socks. Something we weren’t expecting or wanting. As an autistic person, it can be difficult to know what facial expression/s we should be using. We may use scripts or practice in the mirror to make sure we “get it right”. We don’t mean to offend anyone. We’re just overwhelmed and it just means we can’t process as easily.
To counter this, you can choose not to open presents in front of anyone. Any pressure from loved ones, friends or colleagues is then gone. It’s okay to say “I’ll open it later”. If this isn’t an option, have a go with practicing reactions. If you’re unsure what reactions you’re meant to have, ask a family member or friend.
2. Present Chaos Possible
Linked with my first point, birthday presents can be a nightmare to navigate. If you’re buying gifts for an autistic relative and only see them maybe once or twice a year, they can change a lot in that time. Their favourite subjects or activities can change very quickly. So, how do we stay in touch with the changes our autistic interests can take?
My parents and I have hit upon a rather useful knack that can be adapted for the autistic person’s interests. Lists! Sounds really simple, doesn’t it? I have a list of books, DVDs and CDs I would like. My parents have access to these lists. Whenever birthdays or Christmas come up (other seasonal holidays are available), they can buy things off the list. When they do, those items come off so we can (hopefully) avoid duplicates being bought.
The only thing you’ll need to be on top of with a list like that is if those who have access can add to the list of things they think the autistic person might like, you’ll just need to make sure you take off any duplicates early. I’ve had to do it a couple of times so I don’t get a second copy of a book I’ve already got.
3. Attention Not For Me
Not everyone is delighted to be the centre of attention, especially not for a whole day like birthdays usually are. Depending on the age of who is having the birthday, there are ways to mitigate this attention so there are breaks.
Including the autistic person is crucial for this. If they’re old enough to say what they’d like to do, ask them. It might be you just go for a meal. You could go to the park, see a film or have a read-a-thon where everyone reads in the same room. It all depends on the person whose birthday it is. Quite often on my birthdays, I disappear into another room for a bit and read so I’m not masking all the time. It’s finding the balance of doing something, even if it’s on a smaller scale, and recharging batteries through the day.
4. Food Fights Not Advised
When you think of birthdays, there’s the pressure to have certain foods. This can also happen if you go in for the birthday parties. Depending on which foods your autistic loved ones or yourself can cope with, this can be a nightmare to navigate. So, how do you navigate this?
When you know what your safe foods or foods your enjoy eating are, it can be really easy. When my parents would do birthday parties for us, they went for the usual staples. Sausage rolls, tomato puree and melted cheese on baguettes, homemade vanilla sponge cake. As I’ve got older, it’s often as a family we’d go out to a carvery for a nice meal. It’s foods we’re familiar with likely cooked the same way every time. Familiar makes us feel safe. It takes the stress out of the day when everything else can be too much.
There are other reasons that might make birthdays complicated and stressful for your autistic loved ones. If you’re unsure what they’re uncomfortable about, ask them. Being forewarned means you’re forearmed to make a plan that fits their needs and is less likely to cause distress.
So, best of luck and happy celebrating!